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끝이 곧, 시작

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작성자 이수진 작성일17-02-21 12:01 조회20,586회 댓글1건

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끝이 곧, 시작

 

조아진(경영지원팀)

 


de44aff4a4539f09012ee99097bd7ae9_1487646 

  누구에게나 시작과 끝이 존재한다. 시작이 있으면 끝이 있고, 끝이 있으면 시작이 있듯 나에게도 많은 시작과 끝이 존재한다. 하지만 그중에는 끝났지만 끝나지 않은 것이 있다.

  끝이 없는 그곳과의 인연은 2009년 딱 이맘 때 시작되었다. 세상과 동 떨어진 느낌, 다른 세계에 와 있는 듯한 느낌. 그게 장봉의 첫 느낌이었다. 문을 하나 지나왔을 뿐인데 어떻게 이런 느낌이 들 수 있을까싶을 정도였지만, 그 느낌은 고요하고 따뜻했다. 작은 것에 배꼽 빠질 듯이 웃던 날도 있었고, 때로는 세상 제일 서럽게 울던 날도 있었다. 좋은 인연들을 만나기도 하고 또, 떠나보내기도 했다.

하지만 첫날의 그 느낌으로 장봉에서의 생활을 이어가기에 나는 이미 세상에 많이 물들어 있었고, 이곳 또한 미지의 세계가 아닌 현실이었다. 많은 직원들이 2~3년 정도의 장봉생활을 하게 되면 흔히 소진이라는 말로 힘듦을 표현하곤 한다. 나도 하루 이틀이 모여 1, 2년이 지나면서 소진이란 단어로 힘듦을 표현하기 시작했고 끝을 이야기하기도 했다. 처음 느꼈던 그 고요는 어느 순간 외로움으로 바뀌었고, 그 외로움이 나를 지배하는 시기가 찾아왔다. 그러던 순간 장봉에서 지역사회로 물리적 이별을 할 수 있는 기회가 생겼다.

 

  그룹홈 생활은 장봉에서의 생활과는 정 반대였다. 고요와 따뜻함보다는 활기차고 바쁜 일상의 연속이었고, 무언가를 끊임 없이 해야 하고 움직여야 했다. 그만큼 책임감도 생기고, 사회복지사로서 조금 더 단단하게 성장할 수 있는 시간이었다. 어렵기만 하던 일이 재미있기 시작했고 나의 생각을 정리하고 표현할 수 있는 경험의 나이테가 늘어가고 있다는 것을 스스로 느낄 수 있는 시간이었다. 하지만 바쁘게 성장하는 한편으로 고요함과 따뜻함을 갈망하며 문득문득 장봉에서의 생활을 그리워하는 순간들이 다시 찾아왔다. 그리고 그 그리움이 깊어질 때 쯤 나는 다시 장봉으로 돌아오게 되었다.

하지만 8년 전의 장봉과는 많은 것이 변해있었다. 혜림원의 상징과도 같았던 무지개연립 앞 벚꽃나무가 사라졌고, 재활센터(현, 호담관)의 반이 사라졌고, 이용자의 얼굴에는 주름이 하나 더 생겼고, 나 역시도 철없고 눈물 많던 20대가 아닌 30대가 되었지만 2009년 처음 장봉에 들어오던 그날 그 느낌을 다시 받을 수 있었다. 그 고요하고 따뜻한.

  1년이 지나고 2년이 지난 그 어느 날 어쩌면 지금의 느낌을 기억하지 못하고 또다시 끝을 바랄지도 모르겠지만, 지금 나는 그 고요함과 따뜻함에 감사하며 이 시작의 첫발을 다시 한 번 힘차게 내딛어 본다.

 

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